18 JulTrying new things in relating
I’m thinking about our tendency to be hurt by the things that those close to us say or do. We often feel that “they should treat us better” or that “they know that hurts me”, but realistically and objectively we can ask ourselves “is it possible to find a new way to respond to this?”
Clearly if there is a pattern of hurt, than what we’re doing isn’t working. It makes sense to try something different. We may have asked our partner or family or friend to do something differently in relating to us. And it’s understandable that we would start here because from where we stand it appears that the problem is on the other side of the table.
The problem with this approach though is that we rarely change ourselves or our habits unless we ourselves have had a transformative experience inside. Meaning that asking our partner to act differently isn’t likely to work very often or for very long; and some would argue that it’s not fair to ask another to change. I think there’s truth to that but also the topic is deeper than black and white–and certainly isn’t for this post.
My question to you is this: What if next time you felt hurt by your partner, instead of getting all up in arms and faulting them for “doing it to you again”, instead you simply turn to them, deeply lock eyes with them and truthfully, heart-fully express “I love you” — Would this change things?
Usually we aren’t trying to hurt one another. It’s more a by-product of our stress and of just trying to get through the challenges of the day. Perhaps if we were more steadfast to keep this in mind, we would have fewer scuffles and love each other more deeply in the long run.
What are your thoughts? I really want to know.
photo credit: ursonate
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