18 JulTrying new things in relating

I’m thinking about our tendency to be hurt by the things that those close to us say or do.  We often feel that “they should treat us better” or that “they know that hurts me”, but realistically and objectively we can ask ourselves “is it possible to find a new way to respond to this?”

Clearly if there is a pattern of hurt, than what we’re doing isn’t working.  It makes sense to try something different.  We may have asked our partner or family or friend to do something differently in relating to us.  And it’s understandable that we would start here because from where we stand it appears that the problem is on the other side of the table.

The problem with this approach though is that we rarely change ourselves or our habits unless we ourselves have had a transformative experience inside.  Meaning that asking our partner to act differently isn’t likely to work very often or for very long; and some would argue that it’s not fair to ask another to change.  I think there’s truth to that but also the topic is deeper than black and white–and certainly isn’t for this post.

My question to you is this:  What if next time you felt hurt by your partner, instead of getting all up in arms and faulting them for “doing it to you again”, instead you simply turn to them, deeply lock eyes with them and truthfully, heart-fully express “I love you” —  Would this change things?

Usually we aren’t trying to hurt one another.  It’s more a by-product of our stress and of just trying to get through the challenges of the day.  Perhaps if we were more steadfast to keep this in mind, we would have fewer scuffles and love each other more deeply in the long run.

What are your thoughts?  I really want to know.

photo credit: ursonate

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Joshua Guffey

Project Manager at Dependable Data Services
Father. Husband. Search Marketing Professional. Conversion Optimization Consultant. Love Rumi.
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  • NinjaLikesCheez

    Hi Joshua :)

    There is a LDS teaching (I’m not religious), but it says if you are offended by something it is you that is in the wrong. This is something I’ve attempted to implement into my life – as often you get worked up or stressed by something someone said – when through their eyes they didn’t
    Rent any offe by the statement.

    Ps. Make your blog iPhone compatible please! Commenting isn’t easy ;)

    • Thomas,

      That’s a wonderful comment–thank you. I’ll keep that in mind. My previous exposure to this concept has been via Dr Wayne Dyer who talks about being offended as a complete waste. I agree with that. Thanks for reminding me.

      Also, I think I’ve got the WP Touch theme working correctly so commenting via iPhone should be easier. Thanks for alerting me to that.

      You’re awesome Tom.


      • Joshua!

        I get alerted via email with your blog posts and I happened to be on a bus ;)
        I will research this Dr Wayne Dyer, when I was young I used to get offended, now it doesn’t bother me and I am a lot happier it doesn’t. Just laugh it off because at the end of it, being offended is only affecting you and no-one else :)

        You’re awesome too Joshua!