Joshua Guffey

Sometimes what is needed is something totally different than what came before it.  Trade in your two-door coupe for for a five door minivan.  Sell a Cadi and buy a Harley.  Or you decide that you’re going to see the world by hot-air balloon.

When we follow our hearts we end up places we might never have expected.  And those places feel right–they’re where we need to be–where our growth is to catalyze or where we have those invaluable human experiences; like fatherhood or where we face some very difficult choices that we can’t leave to anyone else.

I’d just like to take a moment and tell my wife how very much Love her.  Thanks for coming to an entirely new space with me.  You’re one of a kind Becky.  Let’s keep walking.  xo

–

photo credit: ephemeralmuse

I’m thinking about our tendency to be hurt by the things that those close to us say or do.  We often feel that “they should treat us better” or that “they know that hurts me”, but realistically and objectively we can ask ourselves “is it possible to find a new way to respond to this?”

Clearly if there is a pattern of hurt, than what we’re doing isn’t working.  It makes sense to try something different.  We may have asked our partner or family or friend to do something differently in relating to us.  And it’s understandable that we would start here because from where we stand it appears that the problem is on the other side of the table.

The problem with this approach though is that we rarely change ourselves or our habits unless we ourselves have had a transformative experience inside.  Meaning that asking our partner to act differently isn’t likely to work very often or for very long; and some would argue that it’s not fair to ask another to change.  I think there’s truth to that but also the topic is deeper than black and white–and certainly isn’t for this post.

My question to you is this:  What if next time you felt hurt by your partner, instead of getting all up in arms and faulting them for “doing it to you again”, instead you simply turn to them, deeply lock eyes with them and truthfully, heart-fully express “I love you” –  Would this change things?

Usually we aren’t trying to hurt one another.  It’s more a by-product of our stress and of just trying to get through the challenges of the day.  Perhaps if we were more steadfast to keep this in mind, we would have fewer scuffles and love each other more deeply in the long run.

What are your thoughts?  I really want to know.

–

photo credit: ursonate

At work…at home…we  all have things that are vitally important to us.  These are the imperatives for us to continue to function at the same or higher level.  Our imperatives feed us and keep us going and enable us to do our work well and with love and passion, because our deepest needs are already met.

When our needs aren’t met we start to break down.  We borrow from other areas of our lives and seek other ways  to bring ourselves up.  These other means typically aren’t sustainable because, by their very nature, they are substitutions for our deep basic needs.

Just to bring greater clarity to the types of ‘needs’ I’m referring to here I’ll use my own as an example.  For me I need clarity around expectations.  This helps me to know that I’m headed in the right direction.  Without it I start to wonder what is expected and if I’m doing what is most helpful and in everyone’s highest interest.  I also need to feel appreciated for who I am and what I’m doing.  I know that we all make mistakes and that we all need to course correct from time to time, but for me I simply need to know that “I’m ok” and that my efforts are appreciated and making a positive difference somehow.

When I start to experience flack from an important person in life (a boss, my wife, a close friend) I ask myself “wow, do I need to change something here about what I’m doing?  Have I screwed up or headed in the wrong direction somehow?”  I try very hard to be doing the right thing, so criticizm tends to stop me pretty fast and to be honest, I have a low capacity for it.  I tend to be a bit overly sensitive and I try to meter my responses with this in mind.

I’ve spoken far too much about me though.  This is really about the concept that if our needs aren’t met that we are ultimately not in a sustainable situation.  And so I’d just like to emphasise the importance of finding your words around your own personal set of imperatives.  I firmly believe that if we don’t, eventually we’ll be asking ourselves where things went wrong.

I hope that there’s some value in this post for those of you who have taken the time to read it.  I’m truly always thinking of you and asking ‘what can I offer of value’.  I hope you’re well.

Love,
Joshua

Everyone has their opinions.

I am reminded that we need to be aware of how much we allow ourselves to be affected by the opinions of others. Everyone has opinions. That’s good. Sometimes though people have opinions about us, our choices, how we live our lives; this is what I’m referring to here.

While I feel it’s important to be open to the opinions of those whom you’ve learned that you can trust and whose rationale generally checks out with your own, I also feel that we can easily spend too much of our time and energy in concern about what people think. Or may think.

When a stranger glares at me because they’re displeased with my appearance, or my driving or any number of other things people can choose to judge or be offended by–I don’t care. Sorry.

I’ve got to focus on my family and the people in my life who are generally supportive (like you); not upon the people who would have me be a different person because they aren’t happy with who they are.

On the other side of this coin I’ve gotta remember not to be that person. It’s easy to fall into a habit of fault-finding, so to be fair I also want to mention that I’ve been there. And I have no desire to be the one pointing out another’s ‘transgressions’ or areas of improvement. It’s not my place.

How does this check out with you?

-Joshua

I envision a rise in the community of accountable men.  Fathers.  Sons.  Brothers.  New friends.   —  All learning from each other.

We share.  And learn.  We are not afraid to express emotion or to call each other out on our bullshit when necessary.

We are bound by the common struggles of life and by the lessons that a man might learn.  By our struggle to stand in our purpose in spite of the doubt and fear that may be upon us this very moment.  We do it anyway.

Discarding dogma and seeking a higher vision in all things, these men learn to harness a tremendous force in their lives and to express it in masterful ways.  Creating art out of life–a testament to who we are while we have the chance to be.

Who’s with me?